Never Blessed - Non Binary Fae

Part One of the Never Blessed Series - with @rainydayfae

"I have been thinking about this for awhile. I wanted to contribute because honestly, watching Rosei on Tiktok and Insta have been such an impact on my healing journey. The problem is that I have no idea of where to start.

My experience with toxic Christianity was a slow progression from bad to worse. From mild free will Baptist, to Pentecostals, to southern Baptist Christianity, to fundamentalism my parents dragged us from church to church growing up all searching for more and more control, more and more isolation, and more and more justification for their own behavior, using the morality of Christianity to justify the years of narcistic emotional abuse and growing physical control that escalated into physical violence and threats that was all too tied up with the growing cult like mentality as we went deeper into a more fundamental Christianity. Although I could probably go a little too long about everything I experienced there are three things I'd like to share that I think illustrate the point that Rosei is trying to share with others.

My first experience with the contrast of what was promised and what was the reality was when I was ten. I...was not a "normal" child and I began therapy at six years old as well as a series of testing to diagnose what was wrong me. ADHD and the potential of Asperger's was wildly discussed, depression easily diagnosed since my family home was filled with frequent fights, my dad leaving with vague threats, fear was all I knew. Church began at the same time. My parents were not subtle in suggesting that if I just got saved and a good Christian young girl that maybe I would be normal, that I would behave and listen. This was quickly escalated in the church when my questioning and speed of grasping concepts as well as contradictions brought the ire of not one but two pastors.

Despite doing everything I was told, eagerly spreading the "gospel" through bracelets, trying to behave and listen, I was unsurprisingly not "fixed" to being normal and my anger issues/episodes actually got worsened as the church preached against medication for mental disorders because "its all in your head" and if you are just a good enough Christian you would need any help, finally the pastor called my parents to their house with me. There after a heart felt speech of how the power of Christ should work, he told my parents that he truly believed that I falsely confessed because I was possessed of a demon. He recommended that I be put in a mental hospital because he truly believed that my case was so bad that not even an exorcism could rid the demon that possessed me but he would offer to bring me to a spiritual healing with the elders before they sent me way, but he looked at me and said that unless I went away, I would only bring disaster and ruin to my family. That statement still haunts me. I still struggle with that memory and that believe that I am a curse or a demon that can only bring ruin to anyone I'm close to. But it did continue throughout my experience in Christianity.

The second promise was that I would be given a purpose, that I had a destined role, but as afab who struggled with mental health issues as well as neurodiversity, I was told time and time that purpose was blind obedience to my parents, followed by a man, and that because of my limitations and inability to do things "normally" I was also told that I couldn't do anything, that I wasn't deserving of a purpose. My second year of bible college I was in fact told that they would allow me to return to finish my spring semester after winter break because they truly believed that I wasn't dedicated enough and couldn't be used by God, in fact they weren't even sure if my earnest belief was true because I "displayed an abnormal lack of interest in godly men". I didn't know the term ace then.

I am now safe, I left when a queer group and my online D&D dms helped to organize my escape as well as housing. I will always be grateful that a group of strangers labeled as sinners, the worst kind in my churches eyes were the ones who got me out. Needless to say the experiences of all that opened my eyes to the contrast of promised love and peace that caused me to question my faith and prejudices. I am still working on deconstructing everything as well as accepting my own queer neorospicy identity that was always labeled as broken and sinful."